it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
