So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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