he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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