Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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