My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
