census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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