no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
