why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
