tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
