There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just googled if crying burns calories
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
