The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
