you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
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So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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