apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
