went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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