Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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