And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Someone came in the potted fern
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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