I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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