I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
