I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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