meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
