Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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