john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My breasts were aching with rage.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
