best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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