and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
