What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
