Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
