Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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