Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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