for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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