I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
