The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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