Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
