i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
