Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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