and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
wow bdsm is so cute
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