I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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