I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize