I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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