Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
