I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
