im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
