I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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