Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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