I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
