One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
