you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
