Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
