My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
