His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
