i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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