if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
