Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
