Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
