im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
