I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
