i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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