1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You can't motorboat a personality
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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