the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
why is half of my head shaved?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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